


In a Heartbeat

by Cactus94



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Child Abuse, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Illnesses, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-19
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:28:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23220211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cactus94/pseuds/Cactus94
Summary: Remus Lupin was the new guy at the Junior High. He didn't have much expectations when he moved; after all, it was the fourth school he was changing and he didn't feel like making friends that he wouldn't be able to keep. He just wanted to survive that year and maybe improve his health conditions a little bit.At least, until he met the eyes of one Sirius Black. Champion of the school rugby team, latin lover, and sexy motorbike rider.AU modern setting / non magical
Relationships: Alice Longbottom/Frank Longbottom, James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Marlene McKinnon/Dorcas Meadowes, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 14
Kudos: 59





	1. The First Day

**THE FIRST DAY**

“Ready?”  
Remus sighed. He wished to have his mother’s enthusiasm at 7 a.m., he wished to have it at least for his first day of school. Instead, he left it in the bed under the blankets. That was the fourth school he was attending in five years, so he had more first days than he could’ve stand. And he already knew how it would have gone: an ordinary school in an ordinary town under a grey sky with people he would have barely tolerated from the start until the last day, people who would’ve kept him at distance only because he was the new guy who came when the term had already started. A guy who always stood by himself.  
And he was okay with that; it’s not that he needed friends when he would’ve changed school again at the end of the school year.  
The first two times it was because of his father’s job and the other two because of his condition.  
They went through different hospitals in Great Britain to find the best one, the one that would cure him or at least keep him stable as long as possible, and Remus didn’t even want to acknowledge how much his parents spent when the State wouldn’t cover for his medical expenses.  
His father had been fired when his son’s health worsen and he had to take too many leaves, fighting with his chief who couldn’t understand what it meant to have a sick kid. His mother had left her job when Remus was a little child and had developed the first symptoms because she wanted to be always available in case he would feel ill or to take him to medical appointments.  
Not to mention all the cities they had to change and the movings in they had to do which for sure had drained their bank account.  
But Hope would get up every morning with a smile on her face, she would prepare a generous breakfast for her son and would wave at him with enthusiasm before sending him to school. Remus couldn’t understand how she did all of that, when all he wanted was to throw in the towel.  
He only wished that that was their final destination. His previous doctor knew this cardiologist who worked in Brighton and who was one of the best, so in less than a month his parents prepared everything and moved again.  
Remus wished that this time would be the last. But he didn’t want to take it too much for granted. 

When the bus stopped, Remus got on lazily and didn’t even look around before putting on his headphones. He sat on the first seat he found free and opened the book by Toni Morrison he was reading. The school’s headteacher had been kind enough to give him the program of every subjects of that year so at least he managed to move forward with the work. Starting at the beginning of October wasn’t the best, if he had to stand behind in the subjects it would be even worse.  
The trip to school had no problems, which wasn’t to take for granted. Once the bus that had to drive him to one of his previous schools had a blowout so they had to wait a while to get another bus to take them. Needless to say he came two hours late for his first day.  
This sort of bad luck would happen to him. Sometimes Remus would think that he was born unlucky. Not that he was superstitious or whatever, but…  
The school he would attend that year was… Exactly as any other school, really. A big building, with a garden which was - Remus had to admit it - really looked after. And the other thing that stroke his attention where the doors made of glass that gave to the entire building a sense of freedom and minor flatness.  
Also, the hazelnut trees on the side gave some comforting feeling. It wasn’t that bad, after all. At least there weren’t only grey and sad walls.  
First thing, Remus went to the Secretary. He knew the rules: go to the Secretary, take the time table, meet the boy or the girl who would accompany him around and explain him the rules and the important things he should know.  
“Hi”, Remus said entering the Secretary office.  
A young man with black skin lifted his head towards him.  
“I am the new one. Remus Lupin”.  
“Oh!” the guy uttered as if he just popped out from a trance. Immediately he started rummaging through some papers on his desk.  
“Take this”, he said reaching out with a paper. “This is your time table. You can sit there while you wait”.  
Remus took the paper and looked at the chairs behind him where the guy had pointed with a wave of his head.  
He sat down and read the time table. Good, he head French, two hours of math - two subjects he despised - history and gymnastic, from which he was luckily exonerated because of his health condition and for this he was very grateful, first because he could study and catch up with the subjects he was really interested in, and second because he had the coordination of a seal and he really didn’t want to embarrass himself.  
Suddenly, the door of the office opened and a girl came in out of breath.  
Long red hair appeared in Remus’ sight.  
“Benji! I think I’ll implode today”.  
“Try to avoid it until at least lunchtime, Lily. Your new guy is here”.  
The girl, Lily, turned where the Secretary, Benji, pointed and with her eyes she gazed Remus from head to foot before smiling to him and trying to put in that smile all the politeness she was able to.  
 _Great!_ , thought Remus, he so much needed another person who was doing that job just for the credits. It happened in the past and usually they were guys who would rather be anywhere else than there with him; listless, rushed and insufferable.  
“Hello, Remus. Right?” the girl asked.  
At least she learnt his name.  
“Yeah”.  
“Nice to meet you. I’m Lily Evans”.  
Remus stood up and shook her hand.  
“Let’s go? We have twenty minutes before the first class”.  
“Of course”.  
“See you later, Benji!”  
“See you later, Lily”.  
Remus and Lily went back in the main hallway where some students were gathering, eyes on the phone or chatting in small groups.  
“Well, where do we start from?” she said, mostly to herself than to him.  
“On the ground floor you can find literature, maths and history classes. On the right there is the auditorium”.  
Remus followed Lily’s finger which was pointing to a big grey door. “They hold the important meetings there, like choosing the students’ delegate. Down the hallway you’ll find the headteacher's office”.  
That Remus already knew, he had been there to enroll for the school.  
“Next there is Mr. Vitious’ office. He’s a sort of school’s psychologist, but he doesn’t really have a degree in psychology. On the other side it’s the canteen”.  
“Okay”, said Remus because he felt like he should make her understand he was following.  
“On the first floor you’ll find science, ethics and philosophy labs, the gym, music and art labs, and the theatre. If you are interested they are looking for actors for the show”.  
“Well, er… I don’t think I’m into that”.  
“Oh, no worries. They’ll do Romeo and Juliet, anyway. The most mainstream show ever”.  
Remus snorted. He agreed on that.  
“And the last floor is for teachers’ offices”.  
“Well, thanks”, Remus said, sensing that the presentation was over.  
“You’re welcome. What do you have now?”  
Remus glanced at his timetable, just for carefulness; he had already learnt it while waiting for Lily.  
“French”.  
“Great! The class is next to math’s one. It’s shared with Spanish class”.  
“Got it”.  
Remus looked at Lily. She was pretty; a soft face, tiny nose with some freckles on it, extraordinarily green eyes. Her hair was astonishing, really, a strong fiery red, like a flame, and not the plane one he usually saw.  
Suddenly he realized that maybe he was gazing and lowered his eyes, embarrassed. Lily didn’t notice, or if she did, she didn’t say anything.  
“You came after the starting of the term, but if you are interested you can still apply for some extra course. The orchestra is always looking for new members and also the organization that helps organizing the ball. Can you play an instrument, Remus?”  
Remus felt like falling from the sky.  
“What? Oh no… I mean, kinda. I mean…”.  
 _Stay calm, Remus, don’t stress yourself out.  
_ “I think I’ll focus on studying”.  
Lily smiled. “That’s wise”.  
“Well, if you don’t have any other question, we’ve finished. As you can see, it’s like any other school. Nothing out of normal. But if you want to know something specific, don’t hesitate in reaching me. Do you have your locker?”  
“Oh yes, it’s 111”.  
“Great. Come here”.  
Lily took him along a line of lockers and stopped at the 111. She gave it a couple of bumps and it opened.  
“That’s it. All yours!”  
The girl turned to Remus and, adjusting her voice, said: “Welcome to Junior High”.  
“Thanks”,  
Remus smiled. Perhaps Lily was at the top among all the tutors he had until now.


	2. French Class

**FRENCH CLASS**

Remus stepped in French class when the bell rang and managed to take up one of the spots at the bottom of the class before other students started to gather inside noisily.  
Remus didn’t pay too much attention to them. He wasn’t even interested in learning their faces. The French teacher, professor Dumond - a tall, skinny woman with stiletto heels, smart trousers and a blouse - welcomed him saying that if he needed help he could ask her or his classmates anytime, since he arrived when the term had already started.   
It appeared to be an observation that people he met that day liked to do. Remus thanked her, feeling his cheeks redden and he lowered his gaze. He hated the attention and being always the new guy involved too many stares and glances.   
Luckily the others, after having looked at him for some moments, got back to their business, and the lesson started.   
Remus took out his notebook and tried to focus on taking notes.   
Not even five minutes after, the door opened with a jerk and a tall figure appeared at the threshold.   
It was - Remus couldn’t but notice - a very nice looking boy. Long, dark hair tied in a messy bun and some locks escaped from the bend falling down his pale face; he was wearing knee-ripped jeans, and a black leather jacket, and a rucksack thrown onto his shoulder.   
“Black” called the teacher, the chalk still in her hand. “You are late”.   
“Better late than never”, answered the new guy, Black, with a grin on his face.   
Someone chuckled.   
Miss. Dumond just sighed. “Come on, sit down and start taking your notes”.   
Black sat down on the last spot that was left free, in the second line, under the careful gaze of Remus who didn’t even realise he was staring. He wasn’t sure what he found most attractive, the fluidity of his movements, his unusual good looking, the leather jacket or the hair. Maybe all of that.   
Remus started comparing Black’s hair with the teacher’s. Miss Dumond’s hair was straight and thin as spaghettis and shoulder-lenght, making her face even more slim and her nose pointy. Black’s hair had to be soft and thick and they had to be half-back length if freed from the bend.   
When Black leaned over to take his notebook he crossed eyes with Remus and Remus immediately shook and moved his eyes on his notes.   
He really hoped Black didn’t think he was staring, because he definitely wasn’t doing that.   
_Pull yourself together, Remus!_ _  
_ Those like Black, who comes late for class and retorts to a teacher’s reprimand as they were their mother, couldn’t lead to anything good. 

The two hours of math that followed the French lesson went smoothly, without any particular glitch of long black hair and leather jackets. Remus didn’t have much time to study that Black guy because he ran away as soon as the class ended, as if he was in rush to be somewhere else.   
At lunch, Remus took his tray and scoured the canteen to find an empty table.   
“Hey, Remus!” A high pitched voice called.   
The boy turned over and saw Lily waving at him to reach her at her table.   
Remus gripped his tray and walked towards her. There were four other girls sitting with Lily and all of them were smiling at him, mostly.   
“Do you want to sit with us?” asked Lily pointing to the free chair in front of her, next to a girl with blond curls and a dress with polka dots pattern, very bizarre but pretty piece of clothing.  
That was a plot twist that Remus didn’t expect, but he accepted the offer gratefully, even though he had to give up his lunchtime reading.  
“This is Emmeline”.  
The blond girl next to him greeted him with a shy _hello_.  
“This pain in the ass, instead, is Alice”.  
“Hey!” The girl seated between Lily and Emmeline protested. She had shoulder length, dark brown hair and dark chocolate brown eyes, very big, and her cheeks were covered with _pinky-oranged_ blusher to stand them out. Her make-up was thick but not heavy nor ridiculous.  
“Do not listen to Lily. I am a very normal person”, said Alice with a wide smile of her lips covered in red lipstick.  
“And then, Marlene and Dorcas”, Lily concluded ignoring her friend.  
The two girls, sitting next to Lily, acknowledged him with a nod.  
The one, Marlene, had long blonde hair too, but the haircut was different, and she was wearing overalls with a little rainbow pin attached on the left side of her chest. In the middle of the pin there was a word written: _Pride_.  
That was some interesting stuff, thought Remus.  
The other one, Dorcas, was the most _masculine_ among them all, if that was the right word to define it: short dark hair, a sharp gaze, and a ring on her nose. She was sitting next to Marlene, the two of them almost touching with their shoulders.  
“If I were you I wouldn’t eat that meatloaf”, Dorcas said with her eyes pointing on the meatloaf in Remus’s plate; her gaze was deadly serious. “I’d bet that thing is not real meat. Probably it’s plasterboard. It leaves you with your mouth dried out”.  
“Oh, thank you”, Remus said, taken by surprise.  
“How were your classes, Remus?” Lily asked.  
“Mostly okay, I think. Not so much to say”.  
“Oh well, it’s not that there’s too much that happens in this school”, Marlene commented boringly, pushing aside her finished lunch.  
“That is not true!” Alice pointed out as if Marlene’s comment had offended her personally. “The school is full of gossip if you know how to listen. The other day, for example, I heard the Greengrass…”.  
While Alice was gossiping about people he didn’t know and couldn’t care the less, Remus looked around, in between bites of his food. The canteen was large and had one huge window on one side that allowed to watch at the garden and enjoy the landscape. The chairs and the tables were of different colors so this gave some cheerfulness to the place. It wasn’t bad.  
As for the rest, Remus could conclude that even that school was representing the same standards of all the other schools he attended, with its separation in “social classes”: there was the table of the rugby team, very well recognizable thanks to their hoodies with the name of the team written on it - Junior Gryphons - and the colors and the logo of the school; the table of the cheerleaders, also with their uniforms on; and then the nerdy table, if you could say from their eyes down and concentrated, the thick glasses, the flannel sweaters with dubious patterns and the urgency with which they were reading some papers.  
And finally, there was a table with five people wearing the most absurd clothes and heir with dubious colors. Surely, they must be the theatre group or some artistic shit. Remus didn’t have any clue on where their own table stood in all of that nor he was uncomfortable with being the only boy with five girls.  
“And what about you, Remus? Do you want to audition for the theatre show?”  
“What?”  
“The show? Theatre?” Alice repeated not bothered at all with Remus’s lack of attention.  
“Oh no, thank you. I am not good at acting”.  
“Well, if you are interested you could help us with the settings. Lights and music and whatever”.  
“Oh well…”.  
“Remus wants to focus on studying”, Lily intervened. Remus felt grateful. “And he should to”.  
Alice rolled her eyes.  
“Oh Lily! Not all of us are library rats”.  
“He just came here. Let him breathe”.  
“However, I hope I get the part of Juliet”, said Alice. That girl jumped from one subject to another like a monkey jumps from a branch to another. It was incredible he didn’t have a headache.  
“And your Frank won’t be jealous?” Emmeline asked, speaking for the first time after a while.  
“My Frank knows very well that I have eyes only for him”, Alice replied.  
Remus presumed that this Frank guy was Alice’s boyfriend, but he didn’t bother to ask. “And something else too”, Marlene added with a malicious grin.  
“Marl, you are a perv!”  
“There’s no doubt in that”.  
Remus was very conscious that Dorcas was staring at him and she didn’t even bother to not being noticed. He instead was trying to ignore her and pretending to be interested in Alice and Lily’s conversation.  
“Where are you from, Remus?” Dorcas asked at some point after silence fell on their table.  
“Cardiff”, he replied.  
“Oh, so you’re Welsh. I wouldn’t say that from your accent”, Lily noticed.  
Remus smiled. “I was born there and my parents are originally from Wales, but we move a lot, so it’s been a while since I’ve been there”.  
“Why?”  
There, that was one of the reasons why he always tried to keep his distance from people. Having to give explanations, saying why he moved and travelled so much. He didn’t want to tell everybody his business.  
“My father’s job”.  
Remus wasn’t comfortable in lying, but he would feel a lot more uncomfortable telling the truth.  
“And what's your father’s job?”  
Dorcas wasn’t someone who gave up and the entire table had its attention towards him, even Emmeline.  
“He’s an IT engineer. His company sends him to work in different cities sometimes”.  
That was true, his father was an IT engineer, but it wasn’t his company to send him away.  
“It must be hard, having to change cities so often”, said Emmeline.  
Remus shrugged. “Well, you get used to it”.  
“No shit Sherlock”.  
The conversation was interrupted when a pair of strong arms wrapped Alice’s neck from behind and a tall boy, with wide shoulders, appeared above her like a giant. However, his sad-puppy eyes that gave him a sort of melancholic look and a sweet appearance - contrasting with his strong body - assured them that he wasn’t a threat to her.  
“Frank!” Alice uttered caressing his muscular arms.  
So that was the famous Frank.  
Alice bowed her head back to reach for him and Frank gave her a soft kiss on her lips.  
“Can we meet after school?” she asked.  
“I have practice. But I can come by after”.  
“Please, kitty”.  
The two of them kissed again, this time more intensely, their arms entangled. Marlene and Dorcas were pretending to vomit. Emmeline turned her gaze to a spot somewhere, her cheeks blushing.  
Remus too looked somewhere else because he didn’t want to intrude that intimate moment that didn’t belong to him.  
He wasn’t sure he was a person who loved those kind of affections displayed in public, but he didn’t mind seeing a couple so in love. Moreover, he felt a strange pressure against his chest, at stomach-level.  
“Hey, Frankie!” yelled another boy, coming at that right moment and hitting Frank’s back with his hand. “Have you done devouring your girl?”   
Remus looked at him: a mess of dark curly hair, rather ruffled but in such a way that it appeared to be done on purpose; he had a tiny dimple on his chin - that one that made whoever had it immediately cooler - and a strong jaw.  
“Hey, James! You jealous because I have a girlfriend whilst you only have your right hand?” asked Frank grinning towards the other guy, without stepping back from Alice.  
“Ah ah ah”, said James who wasn’t bothered a little bit by that bit of mockery. “I am not jealous, Frankie. How can I be jealous when I have a very passionate relationship with Evans?”  
With that James moved between Lily and Marlene and rested his hands on the table.  
Remus trod with his eyes the outline of James’s arms, following the line of his tense blood vessel that could be seen under his pale skin. He wasn’t big as Frank, but James had his amount of muscles too.  
Lily huffed rolling her eyes, clearly annoyed.  
“In your dreams, Potter”.   
James lowered his gaze to have a better look at Lily’s face and lifted just one side of his lips in a twisted grin.  
“Oh believe me, in my dreams we are already married and have a bunch of kids”.  
Alice burst into laughter. Lily collapsed with her head in her hands.  
“You look good in that sweater. All those colors… they suit you”, James said, pointing to the sweater with colored stripes pattern that the girl was wearing.  
Lily opened her mouth to say something but apparently every kind of sharp pun abandoned her. Luckily Frank saved her putting an end to that show and grabbing his friend by his shoulders and taking him away from the table.  
“Come on, James, let’s go. Stop pestering the ladies”.  
“Farewell, my love. I will miss you” James yelled while Frank was still dragging him, as if he wasn’t in a canteen full of people who could hear him. But the other tables appeared to ignore him.  
When the two boys walked away, the whole table was chuckling, a part from Lily who was still wearing that annoyed look. Remus could have told that there was also something else in that look, but he didn’t know what.  
“That was James Potter”, Marlene explained to the only guy at their table, probably noticing the question mark written on his face. “Our Lily’s admirer”.  
“An admirer that is really… vivacious”.  
“Oh, he’s not an admirer. He just likes to get on my nuts. He doesn’t like me, he just provokes me. That’s it”.  
“I don’t know, Lily. I think he’s sincere”.  
“It’s only you who thinks that”.  
“And I’m right”.  
While the two girls were discussing, Remus went back with his mind to Frank and James and especially to their arms and bodies, trying to compare them and understand which of them he prefered.  
Both of them should be in the rugby team, he could tell by the hoodies they were wearing. The athletes would wear them often, as if it wasn’t quite evident that they were athletes.  
Meanwhile Dorcas was still staring at him. 

“The new guy seems nice. A bit hush, maybe, but nice”, Alice said while bending her leg backwards and pulling it by her angle towards her bottom. It was gym time and the coach ordered those who were ready to do some warm-ups.   
“It isn’t difficult to be liked by you, Alice. You like everybody”, Lily pointed out pulling her hair in a high ponytail.   
“Because - unlike you - I try to see the best in every person rather than disliking them immediately”.  
Lily huffed.   
“But Alice’s right”, Emmeline stepped in. “Besides… He’s cute”.   
As soon as she’d said that her cheeks blushed.   
Alice and Lily chuckled. Dorcas and Marlene, sitting on the floor to do some stretches, exchanged a sort of knowing look.   
“Emm, darling”, Marlene started turning to look at her friend. “I agree with you on that, but unfortunately I have to disappoint you. I really fear that our dear Remus is batting for the other side”.   
“Oh please!” Alice uttered. “What makes you say that?”   
“It’s called gay radar. Every gay has one”, Dorcas replied.  
Alice rolled her eyes. Dorcas and Marlene used to say things like that one, especially since they got together.  
“Is that why you stared at him all that time during lunch?” Lily asked.  
“Who? Me? When?”   
“Dorcas, the poor lad probably thought that you wanted to blow him up with your eyes”, Alice added.  
“But… Why isn’t he here?” Marlene suddenly asked rushing in assistance to her girlfriend.  
The other girls glanced quickly throughout the gym and noticed that, indeed, Remus wasn’t nowhere to be seen.  
“He’s not here. Shouldn’t we have all the same timetables?”  
Lily shrugged when a voice behind her made her jump.  
“Ladies! What are you talking about?”  
James Potter was standing behind, arms crossed on his chest and the usual grin painted on his face. And beside him, there was Black, a tank top, shorts, and that permanent serious expression displayed on his face when he wasn’t grinning mockingly or scornfully. Those were the only looks one could see on the face of the guy with long hair.  
Lily was convinced that he exaggerated that bored and serious look on purpose just to give the appearance of a bad guy. He wanted to build an image of himself of someone who didn’t give a fuck about anything, which didn’t quite meet the reality because probably there wasn’t so much to show. Lily was sure of that, judging also by the girls he would date and no one would stick around too long.  
“Nothing that concerns you, Potter”, Lily replied.  
“Ohi! Evans! This hairstyle suits you”.  
Lily raised an eyebrow: that was the second compliment of the day. It wasn’t weird, not at all, but Potter had that bad habit of spilling her compliments whenever they were absolutely out of context, such as when she would reprimand him about something and he would just go with something like “nice shirt, Evans” or “your hair are so soft today”. He knew very well how to go on her nuts.  
“We were talking about the new guy”, Alice said with nonchalance.  
“Ugh”. James appeared surprise. “Is there a new guy?”  
“Yes. He’s name’s Remus”.  
Even Black seemed interested now. Or at least, he wasn’t wearing the bored look anymore.  
“Oh, interesting. I hope to meet him soon”.  
The conversation was interrupted abruptly because the coach called them and the class began.  
“It’s true, by the way. You have the tendency to stare at people”, Marlene whispered to Dorcas when the two girls went to collect the balls.

*** 

My Tumblr account **[arequipe1994](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/arequipe1994)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and welcome back! 
> 
> I hope you are doing well and staying safe.  
> Just a couple of notes:  
> 1\. this story is set in England - Brighton - as I wrote in the last chapter but I am not very sure how an English high school works. I base my knowledge on this subject on tv shows and movies (not very flattering, I know) so if I end up mixing some English style and American style I apologize in advance. It is not voluntarily, just so you know. And if you notice something like that please just tell me. I am always willing to learn some new stuff. Like, do teenagers even play rugby in English high schools? I hope so because i really like imagining guys playing rugby.  
> Probably I am wrong with the cheerleaders because they are more American stuff than English. If so, I can just delate that part.  
> 2\. I hope you are not bothered by stereotypes. I know I put too much of them in this chapter (like the nerd guys and the artistic guys), but I am not really bothered by stereotypes. I think they are indeed true, especially in a high school, but if you are bothered just tell me. I don't really want to offend anybody. 
> 
> Okay, that must be all. Just follow me on Tumblr if you like, and hit the Kudos button!! Also, comments are very very very appreciated.  
> And, point me out some language mistake, if there's any (I am sure there is). English is not my mother tongue and I don't have a beta. 
> 
> Love u all,  
> C.


	3. Heavy Secrets

**HEAVY SECRETS**

Another secret that Remus kept with carefulness - a part from his health problem - was the fact that he was gay. Utterly gay. It’s not that he was ashamed of that, even though finding it out had been kind of a shock, but after having assimilated it, he had pushed it aside convincing himself that he would have thought about that when the right moment would have come. If it would have come. 

Remus didn’t have the strength nor the will to think about a relationship at this time or in a near future. And for what was concerning a distant future… He wasn’t even sure to be able to see it for himself. 

This and all the things more urgent to think about together were enough for him to forbid himself to think about coming out to someone. He didn’t have friends and he never had someone to be romantically involved with. And also - Remus wondered sometimes during the hard times - no one would have got together with him knowing about his condition. He didn’t have the slightest intention of coming out to his parents; it’s not that they were conservatives or something like that, Remus never had that impression, but he didn’t feel that was the right moment. He didn’t want to add another burden on their shoulders. 

Swallowing the last bite of his toast, Remus eyed with disgust at all the bottles of pills he had to take every day, aligned on the table. He was used to it and he would swallow them like candies, but his life would’ve been a lot easier without them. 

When he finished, he grabbed the pills he had to take at mid-morning, he pushed them in the rucksack and walked to the bus stop. 

#

Even that day French was the first class he had. Remus rubbed his eyes with a hand trying to wake up a bit more while waiting for the teacher. He was tired.    
The bell hadn’t rung yet but the students had already taken their spots. Even Black came on time that morning. This time he was wearing a pair of black jeans, very tight, and a pair of  _ Supergas _ , also completely black. And the leather jacket, of course. His hair wasn’t tied and Remus could make sure that yes, it was half-back length indeed.    
He was undoubtedly and incredibly beautiful, Remus, in all his gayness, couldn’t deny it. But there was also something else, something he couldn’t quite understand. And it wasn’t the rebellious vibe that Remus spotted last time.    
Luckily, the teacher came in and Remus could finally shake himself from those thoughts. They had literature that day and professor Dumond wanted them to analyze the first chapter of  _ The Three Musketeers.  _ _  
_ The class wasn’t really participating, nobody wanted to answer the questions or they weren’t interested. A couple of times Remus thought about telling what he was thinking when reading the book, but he stifled: he really didn’t want to attract attention and be labeled as the nerd of the situation. Besides, his French was a bit awkward.   
At some point, when the teacher started to give up, Black raised his hand. Everybody thought that he wanted to make a joke or ask to go to the loo, even Remus thought so, but it didn’t happen.    
Black actually answered the last question. And he answered in French flawlessly. Professor Dumond was stricken too, and she listened to him enraptured. Something about the three protagonists and their evolution throughout the novel that lead to a change in their relationship, Remus really couldn’t tell what were the exact words because he lost himself in Black’s deep voice, in his perfect accent, sexy.   
When he stopped talking, Miss Dumond needed some time to collect herself and regain her words. She complimented him, not only because he understood what she had been trying to explain for forty-five minutes, but also because he proved that he had read more than the first chapter of the novel.    
Black tugged his hair behind his ear in response, completely indifferent to that compliment. For the rest of the lesson, Remus had to try hard not to indulge in staring at the back of the boy.

#

During the break, between classes, Remus, Lily and Alice sat in a corner of the entrance stairs to enjoy the sun because “soon it’ll be over, so it is better to enjoy the last days of summer” as Alice pointed out, forbidding to both Lily and Remus to hole up in the library to study.    
But Remus didn’t exactly choose the best spot because the sun was hitting him right in the eyes and he had to tilt a bit to be able to see something.    
“So, my dear friends, are you ready for the ball?” Alice asked cheerfully.   
“Ball?” said Remus.    
“The ball of mid-term, yeah. We are hosting it before Christmas”, the girl explained.    
“I don’t know. I don’t really like dancing”, said Remus.   
“And you know that I don’t really like these things”, Lily added and Remus was happy that there was someone else who didn’t appreciate all those sappy teenager stuff, like Alice did.   
Alice huffed.    
“C’mon, don’t be so boring”.    
“Alice, this school organizes too many balls. Isn’t one enough?”    
“It’s never too much for balls”.    
“And besides, aren’t you going with Frank? What do you need us for?”    
“Because I’d like to enjoy it with my friends, not only with my boyfriend”.    
“What are we talking about?” asked Marlene arriving right at that moment with Dorcas.    
“About the Christmas ball”.    
“Oh, Dorcas and I are going”.    
“See? Someone knows how to have fun”.    
“Are we?” asked Dorcas, frowning at Marlene, not really convinced.    
“Yes, but only to look from aside and tease the other girls’ dresses and the excessive heteronormativity of this place”.

Remus found himself smiling. He liked Marlene every day a bit more, also because of her straight methods and the plainness she used to make puns.    
“Where’s Emmeline?” Lily asked to change the subject.   
“She’s at rehearsals with the orchestra”. 

Suddenly Remus caught a glimpse of a person rushing towards the parking lot, leather jacket and long dark hair, very familiar. Black - because clearly it was Black - with a helmet in his hand approached a big motorbike parked in the spot reserved to all motorbikes. Remus wasn’t very into motos, but that was definitely a very beautiful motorbike, one that someone just like Black could ride.    
He was about to get on it when someone stopped him, a guy with messy hair and wearing the hoodie of the rugby team. James Potter run towards him. The two guys stopped there to talk, but from that distance Remus couldn’t distinguish their words; he could just glimpse a little grin on Black’s face. The other guy ruffled his hair with his hand, amused as well. Then, when they finished to talk, James walked away and Black was left alone next to his moto. He took his phone from the jacket and called someone.    
“Ohi, Lily! Here’s your beau”, said Alice, lightly poking her friend and gasing her with an expression that wanted to be malicious but failing miserably, while James was passing by. He didn’t seem to notice them. 

“Shhh! Do not yell, I don’t want to talk with Potter today”.    
“You never want to talk to Potter”.    
“Can you blame me? He’s a bully”.    
“There are worse bullies. He’s just someone who likes to attract attention, I don’t see what’s wrong in that. Besides, I’ve never seen him bullying someone”, said Marlene.    
“Severus Snape for start”.    
Alice grunted. “Yeah, so? Snape is not a Saint either. We all know what he did”.    
Lily fell silent and crossed her arms on her legs, trying to ignore her friends. She didn’t understand why they appeared to be on Potter’s side, as if he mattered to them for some reason. Yes, okay, he was Alice’s boyfriend’s team-mate and they were close more or less, but anyway…    
Remus didn’t have any idea of what that Severus Snape did but he also supposed that that wasn’t any of his business. So he dragged his eyes towards Black who still was on the phone and appeared to be pretty upset now. The sun rose up a bit and he was able to look at him.    
“Who is he?” Remus asked without having a real intention. But he was dying to know something more about his classmate.    
“That’s Sirius Black” Marlene replied following his gaze. “He’s James Potter’s best friend”.    
_ Sirius _ , repeated Remnus in his mind to taste the sound, the letters. It was a peculiar name, similar to his. What would they sound like if uttered together? Sirius and Remus.    
_ C’mon, Lupin, put your shit together! What are you? A pussy?  _

“Best friend? I’d rather say he’s a watchdog”, said Lily. “The two of them are more like thick as thieves. And Black probably doesn’t even have his own personality either, Potter always drags him in every mischief that comes to his mind”.    
“But I am sure he also has some good qualities”, Alice laughed.    
“And he’s in the team too?” asked Remus. He really didn’t know why he was so interested in Black. He still didn’t turn his gaze from the boy.    
“Yeah, and probably Lily would say that he’s playing because there’s James in the team. But he’s good”.    
“Oh”.    
“Well okay, there are better people to befriend. I mean, stay away from those like Black otherwise you’ll burn yourself”.    
While he was looking Black pocketing his phone with a certain frustration, getting on his motorbike, putting on the helmet and leaving with a screech of the tyres, Remus thought about Lily’s words and how much they could be right.

#

“So, how’s school?” Lyall Lupin asked that evening when the entire family gathered for dinner. Family consisting basically of him, his wife and his son.    
Remus shrugged.    
“Fine, normal”.    
“Have you met someone? Maybe some friends?” asked then his father. He was trying to show some interest that, in Remus’ opinion, wasn’t really sincere, not because his father wasn’t interested in his son’s personal life, but because he simply couldn’t waste his time in trivial teenager chit-chat or gossip; and Remus neither.    
“Yes, more or less”.    
“Can you give me your plate, dear?” asked his mum with a sweet smile and Remus handed out the plate to be served.    
For the remaining of the dinner, Remus half listened to what his parents were saying - his father’s colleagues at work among other things - grasping only some unconnected sentences.    
His father’s questions had made his mind wonder about school, but not about lessons and the five girls he had befriended, but about a certain boy with long dark hair, leather jacket and a mischievous gaze.    
Remus finished his dinner and retreated to his bedroom with the excuse of homework to be finished. He indeed have some maths homework to do, but his phone rang and the name of Mary McDonald appeared on the screen. Mary was his only friend, one could say, or at least that person who was worthy of being checked in that category.    
They met few years ago in the hospital. Several significant acquaintance Remus did happened in a hospital. It wasn’t weird, really.    
Mary and he had a lot of stuff in common and they understood each other immediately and without effort, and she was the first person - and also the last one - who he had a relationship with, even though it ended in embarrassing attempts to move on to a more intimate part of that relationship, but Remus couldn’t get a hard not even with the power of will; useless to say that he panicked at the thought that the medications might have fucked up his sexual abilities.    
Mary had been nothing but patient, she didn’t push, nor made him feel wrong and in the end it was she who had the intuition that probably his sexual tastes laid somewhere else.    
And even though Remus knew that being homosexual wasn’t a big deal, it wasn’t a sin punishable with hell - not that he believed in it, but anyway - Mary helped him to understand that there was nothing wrong with him and that he deserved love as much as anybody else.   
So, Mary was the only person to know about him being gay and she never insisted about him coming out of the proverbial closet.   
Mary had lung cancer and her life was an endless struggle with a monster that wanted to devour her from the inside, but she kept fighting it back every time. Mary had been in surgery more times than Remus himself, more times that even him could’ve stand, and because of this he admired her. Mary walked around with an oxygen tank on her back because the cancer destroyed her lungs so much that they couldn’t inhale oxygen by themselves, and she had to deal everyday with the gazes from people who couldn’t understand.    
They really thought that there are only healthy people in the world? 

Mary was smart, generous, sagacious, ironic, optimistic and pretty. She was his most faithful confident.

For this reason and the others aforementioned, Remus couldn’t imagine his life without her. Or a world without Mary McDonald. 

And even though they lived far away from each other they kept in touch every day. 

“Hey!” uttered Remus as soon as his best friend appeared on the screen. Remus got himself comfortable on the bed and looked at Mary. She let her hair grow, now it was shoulder length and styled in a way that made her appear very cute, the thin tube that connected her nose to the oxygen tank as a bonus to her sweet and innocent appearance. Not that being sick was something cute or sweet, but as it couldn’t be avoided it was better to try finding something positive in it. She hated that tube. Would you blame her?

“Remmie!” greeted Mary by the nickname he appreciated only because she gave it to him and only she was allowed to use it. “How’s the new town?”

“Well, as any other”.

“Oh c’mon, don’t destroy my curiosity”.

“What do you want me to say, Mary? I’ll try to read the newspaper, maybe I’ll find something cool to tell you”.

“Good idea! I want to hear about murders”. 

Mary loved criminal cases. Not because she was a sadist or something like that, she just enjoyed mysteries. And puzzles. She read thrillers and detective novels - Agatha Christie, Conan Doyle, James Patterson - and she watched crime drama.    
“How’s school?”    
“‘S okay”. 

Mary huffed through the camera and Remus could almost see smoke coming from her ears.   
“You really wanna me dead? Are there at least any cute boys?”    
Remus lowered his gaze, a bit embarrassed, but smiling.   
When no answer came from the other side, he lifted his gaze again and saw that Mary was eyeing him with a weird look on her face, a grin of someone who knew a thing or two.   
“Oh, I know that look”.    
“What look?” Remus was trying to dissimulate.   
“It’s not working with me. I know you, Remus Lupin”.    
Remus rolled his eyes perfectly aware that he couldn’t escape.    
“Who is he? What’s his name? Tell me everything”.    
Remus hesitated. He wasn’t sure if to reveal it. It wasn’t that there was anything to tell; he saw Sirius Black only a couple of times and he found him fit, that was everything he knew. It wasn’t something weird for a gay teenager.    
But Mary wanted some gossip so who was he to deny her that?    
“He’s name’s Sirius Black”, he said with a bit of uncertainty.   
“Oh, that’s an interesting… name. It could’ve come out from a teen drama about vampires or werewolves”.   
Remus chuckled. In a sort of way, Sirius could be a vampire, with that milky skin and long hair as Lestat’s.   
_ No, Remus, this is not Twilight and you are not Bella Swan. _

“And then… Well, we are in the same French class. I don’t know anything else”.    
“You didn’t look on the socials?”    
“Of course not!”    
“Remus Lupin, I am disappointed. What kind of stalker are you?”   
“I’m not a stalker. Besides, what’s the point? He doesn’t even know I exist. Surely, he’s not even gay”.    
“We perfectly know that your gay radar sucks”.    
Remus moved his hands behind his head to stretch.    
“It would've been better if I hadn’t told you anything”.    
“Don’t be ridiculous”, said Mary, peeking at her door as if she heard someone. “I like gossiping even if it’s about nothing. I have to go now, but you make sure to talk to this guy and check if he’s a vampire”.    
“I’ll try”.    
The connexion ended and Remus, with a heavy huff, started doing his maths homework. 

#

After he was finished with the homework, Remus prepared his rucksack for the next day, got under the duvets, and started reading his book.    
“Honey”, his mum called with soft voice, poking her head through the half-open door. “Are you already in bed?”    
Remus nodded.   
“Did you take your medicines?”   
“Yes, mum”,    
Hope stayed quiet for a while, then she smiled tenderly.   
“Can I give you goodnight kiss?”    
“Mum!” Remus uttered with a reprimanding tone, slamming his head on the pages of the open book.    
“Okay, okay, I’m sorry. Goodnight sweetheart”.    
Hope closed the door and Remus stared at it for some moments, thoughtfully: he loved his mother dearly but sometimes she would treat him as a child - he was seventeen for God’s sake! - and it was getting on his nuts that she would always remind him to take his medicines, as if he wasn’t used to it and not aware that they were his life-savings.    
Remus read a couple pages more before switching off the lights and going to sleep. 

###

My Tumblr account: **[arequipe1994](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/arequipe1994)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hellooooo my dears! Hope you are doing well. How’s the quarantine going? (If you are in quarantine).  
> Here in Italy we will be in lockdown until May at least and I am getting a bit antsy. But, anything to solve this situation.  
> Tell me about yourselves, if you wish. It’s a hard time for everybody, so if you feel more comfortable sharing your feelings or thoughts about the situation I am all ears.  
> And also, happy Easter for those of you who celebrate! I hope you ate a lot of chocolate eggs, or anything else you like :) 
> 
> Tell me what do you think about this chapter. I am sorry it took me some time to post it but I had to translated it first and it’s not an easy job.  
> Please, point me out if there is any English mistake. 
> 
> Also, I’ve never read The Three Musketeers, I don’t even know why I chose this novel, so I completely invented all that relationship stuff. Forgive me if I got it wrong XD I don’t really know what are the themes of the book.  
> But if someone of you read it, please enlighten me. I have to finish reading Beloved before the end of the holidays :( 
> 
> That’s all for today, folks. See you.  
> Cheers,  
> C.


	4. Stormy Eyes

**STORMY EYES**

Remus sat in the science lab taking one of the free spots next to the window. Alice was right, it was better to enjoy the sun ‘til it was there. He pulled his usual book out to read it before the arrival of the teacher. Professor Sloughorn was a peculiar man, short and stocky, with a kind smile. He was good-natured and he would make very pathetic jokes that no one laughed at, but at least he was trying. He was easy to make fun of, but he was also one of the most appreciated teachers. Maybe because he would rarely fail someone. 

Remus did not notice when the door opened a second time after the teacher came, too immersed in his reading. When Sloughorn said “Sirius, go sit on that table over there, next to Remus”, Remus lifted his gaze and freezed upon seeing Sirius Black approaching his table. 

Sirius Black at his table.

Sirius fucking Black his partner in science. 

Sirius Black, long black hair, leather jacket.

Remus’ breath shortened immediately, while his heartbeat raised. Luckily it wasn’t the starting of a heart attack, he already had experience in that matter, but he wasn’t enjoying that sensation either. 

Sirius Black grinned with one side of his lips, raising his eyebrows, and sat down. 

“Hi”. 

Remus realised at that moment that maybe he was staring like a fool. 

“Hi”, he said then, trying to gather himself, but his voice was uneven. 

When Sirius took off his jacket, a strong smell of cologne mixed with cigarettes pervaded his nostrils. Remus, holding his head in front of himself, glanced quickly towards his deskmate, hesitating on his arms and the blue lines of his veins. He had a tattoo on his right forearm, the drawing of a wolf howling at a full moon. 

He should definitely take a grip on himself, thought Remus. 

He’s just a boy, an ordinary boy from an ordinary school. 

Remus pulled the sleeves of his blue sweater down to his fingers and tried to focused on teacher’s words. He had to make a great effort, in that moment, listening to Sloughorn and not eyeing Sirius. He was hot, but it wasn’t so warm. The temperatures weren’t so high, and his sweater definitely wasn’t so thick; actually it was a bit large, at least one size larger so it left his neck and half of his shoulders bare. 

Professor Sloughorn probably hated him because not only he partnered him with Sirius but now he wanted them to work together on an experiment.

It was then, when he noticed… When he was face to face with Sirius. Sirius’ eyes were a colour he’d never seen, a sort of grey, like a stormy sky.

Sirius Black’s face was like a painting or a black and white photograph where his eyes stood out against the rest, but at the same time they were perfectly in sync with his forms and the whole demeanour. If Remus had his camera he would capture that image to be able to look at those eyes and that pale face - framed by a couple of locks escaped from the messy bun - whenever he felt like it. 

“I’m sure we should start with the experiment”, Remus heard from Sirius warm and mellow voice. It wasn’t the same shade he used when he spoke in French, but it was seductive anyways. 

Remus would rather the floor opened itself beneath him and make him escape all of that. He had no idea why his brain and his body were reacting that way, he wasn’t behaving like a functional person. 

And Sirius was exhibiting that damn sexy smile again and Remus asked himself if he was doing that on purpose, if he was aware of that, if he was doing that to mock him. Maybe everything in Remus was screaming “hey, look at me, I’m a bloody poof who is obsessing with you”.

Remus left the class like a victim of a shipwreck who was about to drown before reaching the surface, welcoming all the oxygen his lungs needed, with wide mouthfuls of fresh air. 

He wasn’t sure he would be able to survive to another class like this; next time he would have a heart attack for real. 

Remus approached his locker and pulled his phone out, trying not to think about it anymore. He couldn’t think about it otherwise he would run away to hide in a hole and never getting out.

The only person who wrote him was Mary: she sent him the link to an Instagram profile with the following text: “oh Saint Cow! You didn’t tell me he was so cool!”

The link sent him to the Instagram personal profile of the one Sirius Black. Of course Mary did the research he refused to do. 

Remus shifted through the pictures trying not to focus on any in particular. They were all pictures of Sirius: Sirius in class, Sirius at the pub with a beer, Sirius on his motorbike, details of Sirius’ body, of his hands, his lips, lips gripping a cigarette, a close shot on his eyes on which Remus really didn’t want to linger too much. In some of them, not too many, Sirius was with James or other people from the rugby team. 

His phone vibrated. It was Mary again. 

_ Mary: he rides a moto too *three emojis with heart-shaped eyes”.  _

Of course, the coolest guy of the school could only ride a motorbike. 

Remus decided that he would reply her later and opened his locker with a strong pull he didn’t intend to do. He grabbed his bottle of pills and swallowed the dose of that morning.

“Remuuuuus!”

Remus turned with a twitch towards the voice that called him. He barely had the time to put back his pills in the locker before finding himself face to face with Alice. 

“Do you have literature now?”

“Er… yeah”. 

“Great! Let’s go”.

*** 

My Tumblr: **[arequipe1994](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/arequipe1994)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again my dears! How are you doing? How's the Covid situation?   
> Hope you are doing well :) 
> 
> I just wanted to apologize for this short chapter. Let's say that it's just a sort of filler, preparing for what is coming. Next time you'll read more about Sirius and his home life. I don't really know when that one is coming as I have to copy it first from my notebook and then translate it in English.   
> But it'll come, do not worry. 
> 
> Let me know what you think of this and - as usual - let me know if there are any mistakes.   
> Comments are always appreciated. 
> 
> C.


	5. Sirius Black

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sirius Black needs a hug, Remus is oblivious and has self-esteem issues, and Mary is a good friend.

**SIRIUS BLACK**

Sirius was laying on his back on the bed, his legs dangling off the edge, while scrolling his  _ Instagram feed. _ He’d been ready two hours ago but he didn’t want to go down. He was hoping to have breakfast in peace, but that wasn’t his lucky morning. 

“Sirius!” he heard his mum’s squawking voice calling him from the hallway, and Sirius understood immediately that he couldn’t buy himself anymore time. 

With a heavy sigh, he got up and, glancing at his posters of women in bikinis - not that he liked them, he just wanted to piss off his mother - he dragged himself downstairs. And there they stood, the happy family. 

Sirius was very well aware that he could left his house before anyone else and avoid everybody - with his insomnia it wouldn’t be difficult to get up early - but he couldn’t. He had to make sure that his brother was safe and that he too left the house safe and sound. 

But one day he would be fed up and explode. And then he wouldn’t be able to take care of anyone. He was boiling from inside. 

Regulus was already sitting at the table sipping his orange juice, his hair perfectly combed and perfectly dressed, not a single wrinkle on his button-down. Regulus raised an eyebrow towards him as only sign to acknowledge his presence. The two brothers couldn’t be more different. Regulus never put his elbows on the table, he always said  _ thanks _ and  _ you’re welcome _ , and he never spoke when not addressed. 

He was a good boy, the pride of his parents. Sirius instead was the black sheep, the one that everybody looked with disappointment. 

And perhaps Sirius could also learn to behave as his mother wanted, he could easily adapt to the etiquette, but when you treat someone as the monster you think they are, that person ends up being that monster. 

Sirius was already far from the perspective his mother wanted for him and if she still wished to pour some respect for the family into his brain, he would do anything in his power to make her understand that she didn’t have him in the palm of her hand. 

Sirius couldn’t give any less fuck about the Black family. 

He sat down with a thud and a sigh at the table, making all the noise he could master, then he spread his legs and stretched them under the table in their full length. He skidded with his back on the seat-back of the chair just to be seated in the most sprawled manner possible - something that would send his mother off - and crossed his arms on his chest, eyeing the table with his deep gaze. Then Sirius glanced at his father with one eye. His father was seated at the head of the table, his tie perfectly tied and his face buried in a newspaper. He didn’t even welcomed his son when he had arrived. 

But Sirius didn’t care, his father never spoke to him too much anyway.

If his mother used the reprimanding and the insults as approach, his father preferred the indifference and the long, silenced glances. 

Walburga Black was wearing a long grey dress, something very expensive for sure, like thousands of pounds - she could solve the global poverty with how much she spent for her dresses - and her hair was tied in a tight bun. It was so tight that Sirius asked himself if it would fall down. The image of his mother’s beheaded body with the bun waving as a sort of flag almost made him chuckle. 

The entirety of his family - Regulus included - appeared as one from those novels of the XIX Century of Lords and Ladies, like  _ Wuthering Heights _ or something similar. Or maybe they were hundredth-years-olds vampires and he’d been adopted. Maybe it was a downside from the inbreeding and marriages between relatives. Not that it was something displayed to common knowledge, but it was a rumor that was on everyone’s lips. Nevertheless Sirius could tell with certainty, his parents were relatives at some point of the family tree, like distant cousins. Both were called Black and it wasn’t a surname his mother acquired by marring Orion.    
“You could at least comb your hair”, Walburga hissed.    
Sirius grinned derisively. “And make you happy, mother? No way”.    
He stretched himself to pour some coffee in a mug and noticed his brother freeze on the chair. Regulus knew him too well. And he knew Walburga. Strangely, the woman didn't reply. Maybe she was feeling good that day but it couldn't be taken for granted as she’d always display that haughty scowl. It was either that or a disgusted frown.   
Sirius worked hard that morning to dress himself properly that she wouldn’t appreciate: black ripped jeans with a small and thin chain on his right side, a black undershirt and a checkered button up of the same shade that, in contrast with his brother's which was perfectly ironed, appeared as though it’d been chewed by a camel. His hair was tied in a bun but at least now there weren't lose locks covering his face. Only God knew how many times his mum threatened to cut it. He left it grow just to annoy her, but then he found out that he actually liked his hair longer and that it suited him. It was a bit uncomfortable when he had to put on the helmet when playing rugby or riding the bike, but it was something he could stand.   
Sirius stretched again on the table to take a slice of toast and started spread some jam, careful to scrape on the toasted surface with the knife. It was one of many noises that get on his mother’s nuts.   
Regulus eyes him with a weird glance, perhaps to warn him, but he didn’t say anything.   
“Did you wake up in a foul mood today?” Walburga asked, pointing her eyes on her son.    
Sirius bit a piece of the toast reciprocating Walburga’s murderer gaze with a derisive and challenging one, without bothering to eat in a proper way so to not to leave crumbs on the floor. It wasn’t his mother’s problem, anyways, it was the maiden who would clean after.   
“Having you as a mother is enough to not wake up in a good shape”.    
At that moment, he finally earned a reaction from Walburga, something different from the usual jabs and the sideway disdainful glances.   
Walburga stood up and - very composed - bented her arm in order to hit Sirius with the back of her hand on which a ring - old and ugly family heirloom - standed out against her pale skin and that would definitely cut his lip open. Her expression reminded the one of a hyena.    
Sirius prepared himself to take the punch, tucking his head in his shoulders and closing his eyes.    
“Walburga!” his father uttered finally.    
Everybody’s eyes moved to Orion, Walburga with her arm still in the air. Sirius forgot that his father was there, he could’ve been dead with his face in the food for what he cared.    
Orion lowered the newspaper and laid it on the table. The only thing that could make him pay attention to his family was the immediate threat of a fight in his immaculate eating lounge, wasn’t it?    
“Not in the face”, he said to his wife with a paternalistic tone. “Let’s avoid this kind of barbarian behaviours”.    
Walburga retreated herself but she head to gather all her strength in order to compose herself. She could’ve asked Sirius to take off his shirt but even she didn’t think that doing it in the kitchen was a good idea.   
Sirius then, throwing his toast on the plate, stood up abruptly and run towards his room.    
He couldn’t breath and he had to go out as soon as possible. It could be a panic attack, but he wouldn’t dare to have one in that damned house! He had to remember what James said to him. Or think about KJ Apa’s abs. That helped.    
He grabbed his jacket and the buckpack and headed outside. In the path he found Regulus standing next to the family Mercedes and the driver waiting.    
“Sirius, are we going together?” he asked, and his voice had a certain hint of begging. Sirius felt sorry to say  _ no _ to Reg, especially now that they didn’t see each other very often and didn’t appear to have much in common anymore. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t get in that car with darkened windows and the smell of leather of the cleaned seats. He would puke.    
“No, I’m going with the bike”, he replied, walking towards the bike parked next to the car. Regulus didn’t say anything and let the driver open the car door for him.   
“I really don’t understand why you have to annoy her so much”, Regulus said, getting in the car.    
Sirius shrugged. He didn’t understand either - sometimes. She annoyed him and he didn’t want to fall in the trap of the extortions and threats.  
  
  
****

  
When Sirius parked his motorbike at the front of the school, he didn’t go in immediately. Firstly he lightened a cigarette and sat on the stairs of the school’s entrance. He finished the fag in about five minutes and thought of lighting another one, but eventually decided it was better no to and then went inside. 

He marched towards his locker to take his books for the first class. He was about to walk away with his books in his hands when James approached him and stopped a few inches from his face. 

“Ohi!” 

“Practice today”. 

“Yeah, course”. 

Sirius blinked a couple of times to signal his confusion. James didn’t bother to move or stop staring at him. 

“Have you talked to Evanna Greengrass?”

“Er… nope?”

“She has a crush on you. I think she’ll invite you to the ball”.

“Oh okay”.

Sirius didn’t care about it, there were a lot of girls who liked him and had crushes on him. Evanna should be quick if she wanted to go to the ball with him. If he was in a good mood he could even accept. 

“What’s wrong, Sirius?” James asked then.

“Nothing. Why?”

“Because I can see that you are not your usual self”, his friend said underlying the sentence with a soft bump on his forehead. 

Sirius wondered what was his usual self. His mood had always been volatile, he could go from extrovert and funny to a complete jackass and sometimes rude in a heartbeat. 

“Nothing. Just a difference of opinions with my dear mother”, he said.

It was useless to lie to James.

His friend then put on his best serious mask and moved away a couple of steps to have a better look at the other guy.

“Wanna talk?”

Sirius shook his head. “No, it’s the usual. I don’t want to think about it”.

“Okay. Didn’t she threaten to cut your hair again, did she?” 

Despite himself, Sirius grinned at that silly pun uttered with a voice that spilled a fake shock everywhere. 

“No, she gave up on that”.

“Oh thank God. No one can touch the hair of Sirius Black”.

What would he do without James? Sirius found himself wondering.   
  


***  
  
  
Remus walked away from the science lab. That day professor Sloughorn did a standard lecture so Remus didn’t have any chance to get to talk to Sirius, but at least they sat together. His nicotine scent kept pervading his nostrils for the entire class. Anxiety and nervousness had been his only company during that last hour. But at least he was ready this time knowing that he would’ve seen Sirius again, and he also prepared a sort of script just not to make a fool of himself. But he didn’t have the chance to use it. 

Sirius did not appear to have acknowledged his presence, he appeared tense actually; he kept fidgeting with his pen and draw useless doodles on his notebook, his grey eyes void of any kind of concentration. 

Remus could easily recognise those signals, his whole body released nervousness and distress, as if he wanted to be anywhere else but there. And Remus wanted so badly to talk to him, maybe even lull him, but he had nothing to do with the boy’s pains. Sirius in that moment appeared to Remus so far from Lily’s words. 

Leave it, Remus, you don’t even know him.

Remus closed his locker with a twitch and stumbled with no one else than Sirius Black, almost tumbling against him. Did he call him with his thoughts perhaps?

“Oh”.

Sirius lifted his head towards Remus.

“What?”

Sirius tilted his head in bewilderment.

“What do you mean? It’s my locker”, he replied and, as if to prove his words, he turned the knob on the locker and opened it with a bump. Then he pushed his books inside and closed it again.

“See ya”, he waved without even looking at Remus who stood there like a fish out of water.

Now he really wanted to be swallowed by the floor. One week in that school and he didn’t even realise that his locker was right next to the one of his crush.   
  
  
***  


  
“So, did you guys talk?” asked Mary that night when she and Remus talked in videochat.

Remus didn’t feel like dealing with that topic. It’s been a difficult day, a part from the weird behaviour from Sirius - and he also had a medical appointment the next day and was more worried than he would’ve liked to admit. 

“Yes”.

“And?”

Mary was more and more excited.

“And nothing, Mary, probably he thinks I’m an idiot”.

“Oh c’mon, Rem. Try to know him better, make friends with him. You are new there, try asking him what are the most interesting places in the city.”

“Oh yeah, sure, I can talk to him about the weather, it would be the same”.

“You have to start somewhere”.

“Why are you so obsessed? He’s not gay. And even if he was, why should he like me?”

“Because you are cute?” Mary said as if it was the most obvious thing.

Remus rubbed his neck in discomfort.

“Can we change the subject, please?”

“Okay”, Mary conceded understanding perhaps her friend’s mood and not wanting to put him in distress anymore.

  
***

  
Sirius pulled out his phone from his pocket when he heard it buzz.

_ James: hey, everything’s okay? _

Sirius got up and sat in the middle of the bed with his legs crossed.

_ Sirius: yes, I’m alive and no murder has been committed. _

_ James: good, I ate too much and I’m too full to help you hide bodies *winking emoji*. _

_ Sirius: you’re a pig. _

_ James: my mum made chicken wings. _

_ Sirius: those with pepper? _

_ James: exactly. _

_ Sirius: and that pink sauce we like so much? _

_ James: absolutely. _

_ Sirius: Fuck you! _

_ James: hehehehe!  _

_ Sirius: your mother’s a Saint. _

Sirius thought about his dinner and about the people he had to share it with. His father hadn’t been there, some extra hours at the office, so he had to deal with his mother on his own. Regulus was useless. At least Orion was good at easing the atmosphere, he hated shrieks and beatings.

_ James: tomorrow you come here. _

_ Sirius: okay. _

James invited him at his home that evening too but, for James Sirius could come every day at any time. But Sirius didn’t want to bother, didn’t want to take advantage of the Potters’ kindness and he didn’t want to abandon Regulus. For what it was worth it.

  
***   
  
Remus closed the call with Mary and prepared to go to bed. He took off his sweater and jeans and went to the wardrobe passing by the mirror. When his eye caught the reflection of himself he stepped back and stopped in front of it with only his boxers on. Remus had never considered himself a fit lad, but he wouldn’t even rank himself as an ugly guy. He didn’t know. If he had to be honest, he never thought about it, his mind always worried with different matters. So he couldn’t even bother with his clothes; usually it was his mother who would chose his clothes for him and he was okay with them because their purpose was to be warm and comfortable.

But he wouldn’t consider his body as attractive. Too slim, his legs were too thin and his arms with no muscle. He also found that his fingers were a bit out of proportion with the rest of his body. And his face was the face of a regular guy, his eyes a regular brown - not deep and intense like Sirius’s eyes - and his light brown curls where always in his face falling on his eyes. Not to mention the two scars that marred his chest, result of a couple of heart surgeries he had to undergo.

Mary told him he was cute, she told it more that one time. But she didn’t count. And neither his mother. So why someone like him should be attractive to someone like Sirius who chose accurately which ripped jeans to put on and who would spend hours in front of the mirror before going out?

And why was he thinking about Sirius so much?  
  


###

  
My tumblr account: **[arequipe1994](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/arequipe1994)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my dear friends. How’s life going? Still in lockdown? Sorry for making you wait so much but I am having a very busy schedule lately. It appears that I work better when I am stuck at home. 
> 
> Let me know what you think about the chapter and, as usual, point me out if there is any mistake (sure there is). 
> 
> Have a good weekend.  
> C.


	7. Chatting Among Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which they all have a nice chat... or less nice.

**CHATTING AMONG FRIENDS**

Days passed by and Remus found out that he did not particularly hate that school. The girls appeared to have taken him under their wing and he found himself spending his time with them very often, he would always sit next one of them when they had some class together.    
Emmeline was the one he struggled more to communicate: the girl would always flinch when he approached her, but Remus thought that she was just shy; she talked so little also with the others.    
He understood her. He wasn’t sure if he would label those five girls his friends - not like Mary of course - but they were quite close. And he was okay. But he didn’t think it was time to relax in this feeling. That afternoon, however, after school, Alice came to the library to drag him and Lily from their cosy hiding place in the library to the rugby pitch.    
So, Remus now was sitting on the freezing bleachers in the autumnal air that was starting to sting him on his cheeks and arms; he wasn’t dressed very well.    
They were watching several guys running in tight knickers and helmets while passing an oval ball among each other, obeying to the orders of a coach who was interchanging between praises and offendings, as if he wasn’t sure what was best.   
Remus guessed that that was the M.O. of any coach who wanted his team to win at any cost.   
Alice was the most attentive to the game, obviously she was looking at her boyfriend. Even Dorcas and Marlene were there, but appeared to be deeply bored.   
Lily was sitting on a step below, her face merged in a book, but Remus noticed that she would raise her head every now and then to look at the pitch.    
He too wanted to focus on studying, but his eyes kept falling on the player with number 22 written on the shirt. He wasn’t sure if it was for the knickers, but Sirius Black definitely had the most amazing butt he’d ever seen.    
Remus felt like a gay teenager full of fiery hormones - that was sure - and he didn’t know how to solve it. He didn’t like that sensation because it wouldn’t bring him anywhere, except maybe suffering.    
All of a sudden some cries and applauses were heard from the pitch. One of the players must’ve scored a goal.    
Everybody looked down. The number 9, James Potter, took off his helmet and turned to the bleachers, raising his head.   
“Hey, Evans! That goal was for you!” he yelled at full lungs. Someone from the team hooted in a friendly manner and someone else patted him kindly on the back.    
Lily rolled her eyes but didn’t say anything.    
“I don’t understand why you came, Lily”, said Marlene.    
“Because I love Alice and she insisted. By the way, why are you two here?”    
“To watch all this exhibition of heteronormative testosterone and make fun of it after Dorcas and I had had amazing sex”.    
It wasn’t the first time Remus would hear a joke like that coming from Marlene or Dorcas and he could affirm, with some certainty, that the two girls were a couple. He always saw them together and sometimes they would held hands. But he never saw them kissing. Alice got up and grabbed her bag.    
“I have rehearsals now”, she said when her friends glared at her with curiosity. “Remus, can you come with me?”    
“Oh, okay”.    
“You can stay here”.    
No one protested, not even Remus who understood that Alice wanted something from him.    
“Remus!” she called when the two of them were far enough from indiscreet ears.    
“Do you reckon that Lily likes James?”    
“What!?”    
“Be honest. Does she like him?”    
“No, er… I don’t think so”.    
Alice took a halt midway and sighed tiredly: “I am very convinced that she likes him. She always makes sure to be where he is. Even now… I didn’t insist for her to come to see the training. She could definitely send me to Hell, it wouldn’t be the first time. And when she sees that James is in the hall or somewhere nearby, she always makes something to have his attention. I think she doesn’t even realize that. But she knows that he will notice her and that he will say something to her.    
“Then why does she takes the piss on him all the time?”    
“Because it’s their way of interacting. It’s like a game, who will give up first, and they aren’t even aware of doing it. They started in freshman year. They are used to it. And yes, maybe at the beginning Lily hated James, but now I think… I think it’s something more now”.    
“Oh”. Remus lowered his eyes and gazed at his shoes. He didn’t understand why Alice was saying all of that to him.    
“If… If you are sure”.   
“Believe me, I have a sixth sense about this stuff”.    
Remus learnt from experience that saying things like that usually didn’t bring too much luck.    
“And… what should I do?” he asked nervously.    
“Help me to make Lily understand it”.    
Remus goggled and moved a step backwards as if he was suddenly scared.    
“Me? Why me?”    
“I’m aware that we’ve known just a month ago, but I think you are sensitive enough to understand these things. And also, Marlene and Dorcas are two ice cubes and they are not interested, and Emmeline sometimes is scared even be her shadow”.

“I don’t know, Alice”.    
“C’mon, Remus!”    
Remus did not want to deny it from Alice given that she was starting to become his friend, but he also didn’t want to meddle in someone else’s life.    
“Well, we can talk about it another time. I really have to go to rehearsals now”.    
Alice turned to walk away but after a couple of steps she seemed to have a second thought.   
“Remus!”    
“Yeah?”    
“As we are on this… Emmeline has a crush on you and I think she’ll do something about it. It’s just that she is really sensitive so try not to break her heart”. And with that Alice walked away finally, leaving a puzzled Remus behind staring at her back.   
What was he supposed to do now?

“Ouff!” James huffed, leaning against the couch behind him and ruffling his hair with both his hands.   
Sirius chuckled admiring the mass that his friend managed to do with his head.    
“Give up! I’ll always win at this game”.    
“That’s unfair! I showed it to you! You didn’t even know it before!”    
“How is that saying? When the student exceeds the teacher…”.    
“Sure sure!”    
James put the joystick down and stood up stretching his legs, having them crossed for too long. 

“I’ll take some more popcorns”, he said picking up the bowl that the two guys emptied while playing.    
Sirius leaned against the couch and brought his hands behind his head, his eyes fixed on the screen of the tv where they left the game on pause. He was happy to be spending the evening at James’s, but lately he felt like an intruder, no matter how much James repeated that he was like a brother to him and more than welcome whenever he wanted.    
That wasn’t his home and Mr and Mrs Potter weren’t his parents, even though he really wished they were. More than once he found himself wondering why it happened to him, why he deserved the parents he had. More than once he asked himself if he was in the wrong if even his parents couldn’t love him, if even his brother couldn’t love him.    
James dragged him out from that path of dark thoughts coming back with the bowl full of popcorns. He sat down again on the floor, next to Sirius, laying down the bowl between the two of them.    
“James?”    
Sirius served himself with a handful of popcorns.    
“Yeah?”    
“What do you think about the new guy?”    
James turned his head towards his friend, puzzled. He was manching some popcorns very slowly.    
Sirius didn’t know where that question came from, but it were a couple of days that he was musing about him, about that boy who just moved to their school.    
“What do you mean?”    
“I don’t know. Whatever”.    
“I’ve never talked to him. I don’t even know his name”.    
“Remus Lupin”.    
“Okay”.    
“He’s cute, isn’t he?”    
James at this point showed him a malicious smirk.    
“Do you want to shag him?”    
Sirius lowered his gaze at his crossed hands resting on his stomach. “No, it’s not that”, he said and was surprised to feel that it was true. “Nevermind. It’s nothing important”.    
“If you like him, ask him out. It’s never been a problem for you”.    
James had grabbed his joystick again and was going to play another game. Sirius shrugged. Yeah, it’s never been a problem for him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update. Been very busy lately. Hope you are doing well.  
> Comments and Kudos are very very welcome. Be kind to your art creator <3 But also in general, be kind. Always.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there!!  
> I know I am supposed to be writing Tightrope, but I am not really into Drarry nowadays. I really like that story but I am not very inspired to write it at this moment. I am sorry. I will finish it, but not right now.  
> Besides, I am in quarantine (well, sort of, but as I am not working and my university is closed I mostly stay at home), so I need some space where to feel comfortable. And fanfictions are my comfort zone. I came up with this story and already wrote down few chapters and had the urge to share it. I am not sure if I will upload it weekly, I’ll try, but since I wrote it in my mother tongue (Italian) I have to translate it first. And for that I need some time, so I have to juggle between university stuff and other general stuff. 
> 
> This is my first Modern setting AU so please, be patient. Also, be patient if there is any mistake. As I said, English is not my mother tongue. Just point it out and I’ll correct :) 
> 
> What else? Hope you are well; I know this Coronavirus is messing with our lives greatly, so be patient, it’ll be okay, stay safe, wash your hands and - if you can - #stayhome. 
> 
> If you wish - and I hope you wish - live a comment or kudos. Or both. Both is good :)  
> Love u
> 
> C.
> 
> P.S. If you want to follow me on Tumblr, I'm arequipe1994 https://www.tumblr.com/blog/arequipe1994


End file.
